Doubt.

I haven't been to church in 6 weeks.

I don't know what I believe anymore. I cannot understand how an institution that is supposed to help people fill their need for care and meaning can get off with pushing an entire subset of people away for being undesirable. Who are we to judge?

I don't want to be a part of a group that has such a stigma attached.

I don't understand how people with such affluance and power can get away with simply saying "I'll pray for you". What kind of justice is found in that? None. That is selfish laziness and I cannot tolerate it anymore.

I hate being back in America sometimes.

What would happen if I just...didn't come back?

I dare you to put me in a box. Just try.

I refuse to conform.

I refuse to ascribe to the idea that a single/unmarried woman is of less value than one in a stable relationship.

I refuse to agree with the idea that the ideal for women is to go to University to find a husband, get married, and work in a part time job as a holding pattern until children are born.

I refuse to be a member of the culture of hate and injustice that has sometimes been purported by different parties, including, sadly, the Church.

I refuse to be place in the box of submission.

I refuse to throw my hands up and state that there is nothing that can be done.

I will fight.

I will love.

I will never give up on my dreams.

Micah 6:8

He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and
to love mercy and
to walk humbly with your God

That's it. Nothing more.

S'mores, anyone?

I'm here in Georgia as I write this, visiting for a wedding.

I realized something today.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have worked and worked so that I can be noticed and seen. I'm not strikingly beautiful, I'm not talented at sports (at all), I'm not a moving actress or inspired artist, but I am smart. I want to be seen.

I'm seen in London.

I'm not seen here. I'm still invisible here, very much in my box. In my place.

I don't want to come back.

I'm sick and tired of working and striving and trying to earn the approval of those who constantly move the bar higher and higher. I'm done. I'm taking all your bloody hurdles and piling them up and setting them on fire.

Then, I will roast marshmallows over them.

Clinging to Hope.

Psalm 27

Of David.

¹ The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?

² When evil men advance against me
to devour my flesh,
when my enemies and my foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.

³ Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident.

⁴ One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.

⁵ For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.

⁶ Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.

⁷ Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.

⁸ My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, LORD, I will seek.

⁹ Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.

¹⁰ Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.

¹¹ Teach me your way, O LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.

¹² Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing out violence.

¹³ I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

¹⁴ Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD

Tainted Excitement

I got accepted to GSU yesterday, with full funding and the like!! They're also accepting my master's thesis, so I will start as a doctorate candidate. I'm SUPER excited, and I know this is a fantastic opportunity, but my excitement is tainted by 2 things.

1. I have to say goodbye again.

2. I don't have you to celebrate with me.

I know I'll be back. I know I'll stay in touch with the friends I've made here. I know that it will be hard, but I learned this year that I can do it. Besides, I still have friends in the US who are excited to see me again, and vice versa!

So, yeah. I'm coming back to Atlanta on August 10th, unless something crazy happens (you know, like a volcano erupting).

A Eulogy

I miss my friend.

The one who was my friend. The one who didn't hurt me at every given chance. The one who cared about my well being.

The one who confided in me and trusted me. The one I could make laugh even when he was on the brink of despair. The one who let me past the mirrors.

The one who promised me that we would always be friends, no matter how far away I physically went.

The one who doesn't break promises.

I think he's dead.