Homesick.

Why am I in London?

I'm missing out on so much by not being home. Tonight, I don't feel like what I am gaining in London is London-centered. I feel like I could be doing this anywhere in the world, and tonight, I would give anything to be home and hug people I trust.

I feel very lonely tonight. Not only lonely, but also useless. I was asked to a meeting with some of my friends tonight who are starting this amazing NGO, and I want to help, but I just don't know how.

I don't know how because all of my networks are in the US. All of my friends who don't see me as this strange sort of academic, foreign, person, but can see me, without the labels, are at home.

Home is comfortable. This is not comfortable tonight.

I want to go home.

I miss sunshine, and proper thunder storms.

I miss my family, and forced family dinners.

I miss being able to spell program.

I miss my sister, and my parents.

I miss peach rings.

I miss my roomie.

I miss my dogs.

I miss driving.

I miss people.

I miss you.

A meager list.

I am not a prodigy.

I am not a genius.

I am not a super-bright.

I just am me. This is how I am.

There are reasons I don't talk about my talents and abilities. There are reasons I don't talk about my schooling. There are reasons I don't talk about, well, lots of things.

I don't like being labeled for my abilities. I want to be known for my personality.

I am encouraging.

I am funny.

I am questioning.

I am spontaneous.

These things are not changed by my intelligence, so don't judge me by them.

...Don't even get me started on my age.

Titles are the hardest part.

This must be what it feels like to live in a snowglobe.

I'm anchored in the floor, so I know I'm not going to fall. It just seems like every single time the snow gets a chance to settle down, someone flips it over again. It's beautiful in it's chaos, but it also makes me super dizzy.

I don't understand. Perhaps that's the point. Perhaps it's not the job of the little people in the snowglobe to understand why they've been up there, but rather to do their best in the situation.

My friend asked me if it was pleasant to live in a snowglobe. Answer: I'm not sure.

Seems to be a common thread recently.

I've lost all my earthly optimism,
That it's all going to be alright,
That the good will win this fight.
Somewhere between youth and disappointments,
The dream became despair, the love became a lie,

Just now, I've reached the end of my line,
Just now, I'm to tired to keep on trying,

Chorus:
Hope is rising, it's a sunrise, for the end
Hope is rising, and it's breathing for me again,
Hope is rising again.

Soon beneath the roses I will lie,
All the memories of my days, gathered to the sky,
Soon all my work will find it's worth,
And all my strength returned, to the water and the earth,

Just when I reach the end of my life,
Just when my eyes dim out the last light.

A minor.

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...

No. No. No.

I straight up refuse to fall into the pain that is currently residing in my heart. I am better than that. I am above that.

I am stronger than that. I am worth more than that. Dammit, boy, I'm worth more than this!

So, in retaliation to the hurt of my heart, here is a list of things that make me happy:

Inside jokes

Friends who try to shield me from my own hurt

Friends who can see past the mask of happiness I put up

Friends who are willing to kill for me

Friends who are willing to not kill for me

The fact that my room is now spotless

Being able to breathe again

Having the support of my family in my decisions

Possibly going to India

Making new friends here

Being in London!

Sunshine (ironically)

[And for that matter, irony (sometimes)]

The funny noises police cars make here

Reading the Bible and finding it speaks to exactly how I'm feeling

Playing my flute in the key of my mood

...I'm not that girl...

GTFO.

Dear boy 2.0,

What the fucking hell. I mean, seriously I don't understand. In what world is what you did ok?

I don't understand how you could think that flirting with me for 4 months and then telling me that you're not interested in a relationship is acceptable. I don't think that simply apologizing for "intentionally leading [me] on because [I'm] fun to flirt with" is enough either.

I don't think you realize how much you hurt me. I might be "only" 21, but I'm still a full grown woman with full emotions. Emotions you will never EVER see, or be trusted with.

I'd like you to meet your new friend, mask. You cannot be trusted, so you're only going to see adorable, naive me.

You asked me if we were cool. We're so cool, you have no idea. One day you will look back on this conversation and wish you had defined the word "cool". Possibly also the word "we", depending on how perceptive you are (I'm betting on "not very" myself).

Don't mess with me. I know how this game is played, and I will win every. single. time.

Have a good day! ^_^

The seemingly adorable one.