*Le sigh*

I think I'm turning into one of those girls...

...and I think I might like it.

The inner workings of my brain confuse even me.

...Eleanor Rigby

waits at the window

wearing a face that she keeps in a jar by the door.

Who is it for?...

Sometimes, I have these major questions that run through my head when I'm not thinking about general things, like "What do I want to eat?" or "There is a car coming, I should not walk in the road." Here is the latest thread:

Do you have to accept someone's love in order to be loved?

Why do I have a tendency to not allow people to show me love if I don't feel I've earned it?

Why do I feel I need to earn the love in the first place?

Can you even earn someone's love?

Is it more difficult to either:

1. Live in a state of feeling like all the love that you have is "earned", but feel at risk of losing the love if you are not worthy

-or-

2. Accept love that you do not feel that you have earned and feel guilty about it?

Look at all the lonely people

Where do they all come from?

I just want to sleeeeeep, but once again, I'm wide awake. This is getting old fast.

I'm so tired, but I cannot sleep. I've been lying in my bed now for an hour and a half. And for those of you who are wondering, melatonin requires a prescription here in the UK. Things I discover at 1am.

I'm going to go eat some rice, and then try again to sleep.

This is ridiculous.

...Rasenfrasen...

I veto today. And by today, I mean everything starting with midnight and running up through right now.

It's just been one of those days.

I got in a fight with one of my best friends, and I hate being angry, a lot. I don't want to be angry, but it's an easier emotion than being hurt.

Dropped a knife on my foot. It bruised.

I woke up this morning and had no idea what time it was. Turns out last night was European fall back night, so I got all confused. Went back to sleep, missed church, woke up stiff as a board. My back is BURNING.

Talked to my aunt Anne. Turns out she's getting divorced. Sweet.

Missed out on going to Harrods with Hannah because my bank decided to send me my debit card and no PIN number (thus, I can't get any money out STILL).

Finished my research proposal for class tomorrow; tried to go to the library to print it out and found out that my card won't let me in the turnstiles.

Was cooking dinner when my doorbell rang. One of my friends lost her keys, and I had to run down 4 flights of stairs to let her in and then back up so I didn't burn my food. Managed to dump tomatoes on the hot burner as I was moving the pan anyways.

Rar. I just want to go to sleep, but it's like 6:30. Of course the worst day so far here would be the longest of the year (since we fell back, today's 25 hours long).

Anger.

I was excited. Was, being the operative word.

I was excited because I was trying to tell you that there is a fairly high likelihood that I will get accepted to GSU for the fall because I talked to them, but you did not care. You were too busy being wrapped up in your own little sick world to listen to the words that were coming out of my mouth. You heard them, but you did not listen. I wanted you to share in my excitement, and I wanted you to have some good news today, but that did not happen.

And if you dare tell me that it was because I had really bad timing, I will be even more angry. I am not tired, I am pissed off.

You did this to me yesterday as well, when I was really excited about my proposal being accepted. I realize that you have a lot going on, but you are supposed to be my friend, which means I get to share good news with you, and you care and listen.

I understand that you're stressed, but now I am angry. I hope you feel better soon so I don't feel guilty about yelling at you.

An actual(ish) conversation:

You should actually read this because parts of it are funny.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stop hiding from me.
I'm not hiding.
-.-...yes, you are.
I had to work today, and I didn't get off until way later than I was supposed to, and I was really stressed about all the things that have been going on, and...yeah. Sorry I wasn't able to pick up the phone.
I'm not talking about avoiding me, or not being able to pick up the phone; you are hiding from me.
Oh, that. Yeah.
I hate it when you hide from me. Would you please stop?
I'm not just hiding from you. I'm hiding from everyone. My head is spinning and splitting in half.
[Insert full name here], I am not everyone.
I know, but my shields are kinda...on autopilot right now.
I'm worried about you.
I'm fine.
...Like hell you are.
You know the response to this.
Did you seriously just tell me that I know the response to something in a conversation I'm having with you by myself?
Yep, because you do.
Do you see the face I am making right now?
No, because technically, I'm not really there.
Stop trying to change the subject.
I am safe, for now. I know you don't like that answer
But it's the best I'm going to get. Fine. Just promise me that you'll call me, eh?
I always do.
I mean on the phone.
You're in London, I can't do that
Yes you can. You have skype.
Skype messes up my computer.
How the heck is it that you can frustrate me even in a one-sided conversation?
^.^ Hi.
Just call me.
Perhaps. If I really need to, I will.
Don't think I don't see the loopholes in that, but I'm too sleepy to argue.
Sleep well dear.
God Bless, meaniehead.

Musings of a bored student.

...Don't wish, don't start.
Wishing only wounds the heart...

Dear Jolly Green Giant,

I know you didn't mean to hurt me on purpose. I know that you were totally innocent and protective in asking me if I have any friends here, but it hurt. It cut me deeply, and now I can't seem to shake it. You opened the box that I have been fighting so hard to keep closed the whole time I've been here by accusing me of "always being on Facebook". It really hurt, and it shook my confidence. I've started to make friends, but I really haven't been here very long.

Why the hell do I feel the need to justify myself to you? I have dinner plans tonight and Friday night, and I'm going to go meet Kaitlyn in Edinburgh next weekend. I think it's just that I am bored outside of the plans, and it's a touch easy to push my buttons recently.

I still think that your commentary was unnecessary, while kindly meant.

Your friend,
Chica

Dear boy,

Stop existing.

Love,
The Confused One

Sleeeeeepy Ponderings

I can't sleep.

Every time I close my eyes and try to go to sleep, I see you getting bit by a snake. I tried blocking you out as best I could, but I cannot.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate your plan?

I need a teleportation pad.

I should be getting ready for class, but I'm not. My heart is so full this morning that I feel it's going to explode all over everywhere if I don't write.

I still love being here in London, but this morning I am feeling guilty about being here. I am sad that I cannot be in two places at once, or that I cannot take those I care about (and consequently worry about) with me. I am frustrated that I cannot call people to talk to them to tell them that I am thinking about them and that I am praying for them (even though I know they know) because it's 4am in Georgia and I would wake them up.

I feel like I'm missing out on so much right now, both good and bad by being here, but at the same time that I would be nothing more than an observer if I were there.

I wish I could just teleport back and forth between here and Georgia whenever I needed to.

I feel like I need to this morning.

Dear Emo Kid

I wish I had the words to say to make it all better. I wish I could communicate to you the feeling in my heart this morning. I wish you were here, or I was there, so that I could at least remind you that you are not alone. I wish you didn't hurt.

Love,
The Water Bottle Decorator

Being a grownup sucks.

Still love being in London.

Today, I had a meeting with my adviser, and she asked me the following question:

"What are you planning on doing next year?"

O_O

...Let's see. What am I planning on doing next year. (What am I planning on doing next year?)

A: Hell if I know!

And then, I realized that it's October, and applications for anywhere I want to go are due in December, and that while being in the MRes program means that I can just stay on and get my PhD here, I don't HAVE to do that, in fact, I don't have to do anything. I can work, I can go to school anywhere in the world that I want to, I can do both, I can do nothing (although we all know that's not actually a viable option for me), I theoretically could meet someone and that would throw off any plans that I possibly have...but wait...I don't have any plans! I, Stephanie Leanne Dietz, have no plans past July 2010. I don't know if I'm going to love or hate London, if I want to stay here, or possibly go to school somewhere close to home, I don't know if I even want to stay on for school (I mean, I want to get my doctorate, but do I want to/should I do that NOW, or should I get some work experience first; I don't know!). And, if I do want to go to school somewhere in the States, will the fact that my Masters degree will not be confirmed until October mess up any of those plans, I don't know! I don't know the answer to any of these questions. I don't know and I'm freaking out, because I'm 21, and I feel super young, and I'm def by far the youngest person here, and everyone here has a family, or has been working somewhere for forever, or is like 45 and making a career change, or whatever and I'm just...

BLARGH.

###

I love being in London. LOVE IT. Seriously, I am super happy and content and excited. I feel like I'm actually doing something for once instead of just sitting around my house or whatever. I know that my value does not lie in my works (learned that the hard way this summer), but it is also not healthy to not do anything. And, lets face it. My mind goes substantially faster than most, so not only is it not healthy for me to not have anything to do; it's downright dangerous.

So yes, I am happy here. But I miss people. I keep thinking to myself "oh so-and-so would really like this" or "I wish such-and-such were here to share this with me". Some I miss more than others. A few I would give everything I own to have here with me.

But I cannot go back.

I love you all with all of my heart, but this is where I belong. For now, anyways.